self-harm Archives - Therapy and Mindfulness

Being a parent can be tough. It is not uncommon to feel responsible when you sense that your child is suffering. Each child is unique, so how do you know when your child’s behavior is deviating from the norm? When is it appropriate to seek help for potentially damaging patterns or conduct you have noticed in your child? Although there are developmental milestones that every child should meet, not every child will be on the same path. Often there may be subtle changes you notice in your child which could point to a deeper issue. The decision to seek professional help can be a difficult leap for many parents.

Here are some behaviors to watch for:

Avoidance or general disinterest in activities she used to enjoy

Overly “clingy” behavior or fear of being alone

Oversensitivity to sights, sounds, smells and touch

Hyperactivity

Increase in anxiety or worry

Crying spells

Increase in tantrums or aggression

Problems with concentration or focus

Trouble sleeping

Loss of appetite

Physical complaints (headaches, stomach ache, generalized pain)

Self-destructive behavior (intentionally hurting self)

If you notice a pattern with any of the above behaviors, seeking help as soon as possible is key. First, consult your child’s pediatrician to rule out anything medical. Some mental health issues can have acute onset but frequently the warning signs can be missed if the progression has been gradual.

Formal evaluation (testing) may be recommended as part of your child’s treatment. Educational testing through the public school system may be helpful. In addition, a doctor or mental health professional may recommend neuropsychological testing to rule out cognitive deficits, autism and other developmental delays. You may be advised to take your child to a mental health professional like a therapist or psychiatrist. Whatever the recommendation, ask questions and remember that you are your child’s best advocate.

You know your child better than anyone else. If something seems off to you, consult a professional. Trust your gut and remember that asking for help is a sign of strength. You don’t have to do this alone!

If your child ever discusses suicide, wanting to die or you notice signs of self-harm, take your child to your local emergency room immediately.

For further reading, check out the resources below:

Centers for Disease Control- Children’s Mental Health

American Academy of Adolescent and Child Psychiatry

Children’s National- Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences

bubbleFAQs Finding out your child has been self harming can be one of the most terrifying experiences. The first reaction for most parents is anger. You might ask yourself “Why is this happening?”, “Who is responsible?” You might even blame yourself or your partner. Being confronted with the reality that your child is intentionally hurting herself is a scary one.

Here are a few things to remember:

Do not yell or punish. Your child may naturally feel that you are “against” her. Oftentimes self harming is used as a tool to self soothe, and we all know that yelling is not at all soothing to someone who is already in pain. Instead offer healthy alternatives, not as a reward, but rather to let your child know you are willing to work with them.
Respond in a calm way–even though you may feel like screaming. Take a moment (or a few) to compose yourself. Practice some deep breathing. Remember that you are the parent. It is imperative that you remain in control. By remaining calm you are not condoning the behavior. You are coming from a stable place that is more likely to ensure open communication with your child.
Do not give in. While self harm is often a sign of extreme internal suffering, it can also be used as a tool to get certain “needs” met. You may often hear people referring to self harm as “manipulative”, and while some children may use this as a manipulation, this is not the case for all children who self harm. Whatever the intent, we do not want to reinforce this behavior by giving in.
Talk openly with your child by starting a conversation. Openly express your feelings. Try using “I feel statements”. For example “I feel scared when you harm yourself, I need you to come to me next time you feel like hurting yourself”. Acknowledge your child’s pain. You can say “I see that you are suffering” or “I am sorry that you felt like you had to do that. What do you need right now?”
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, educate yourself. Do your own research and consult with professionals. Keep your child’s psychiatrist, therapist and primary care doctor up to date on anything concerning your child’s mental health. If you do not have a mental health provider and you are unsure of what to do, take your child to your local crisis center or emergency room to request a mental health evaluation.

Always come from a place of love. Remember that you care about your child, which is why this can be so scary. It is important to remember that you are not alone, and there are many parents out there working through these same issues.

For more reading check out the Adolescent Self Injury Foundation, which has great tips for kids and parents affected by self injury. You can also search for articles on Psych Central and Psychology Today.

Abnormal Behavior in your child: When to seek help

What to say to a child who self harms.