Therapy and Mindfulness

Make More Time For Yourself

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There is a lot of discussion about self-care these days. It seems everyone is preaching it from healthcare professionals to celebrities. So why is taking care of ourselves- our bodies and our mental health so tricky?

As someone who has been working in the mental health field for almost 13 years, I have seen a lot of pseudo-psychology fads. One thing has always remained pivotal to good mental health, and that is making sure you take care of your body and mind. And what does that even mean? 

What qualifies as Self-care?

  • Eight to ten hours of sleep, and not pretending like sleep is a luxury. Sleep is a basic need. 
  • Spending quality time with people who are supportive of you and setting boundaries with those people in your life who drain your energy. 
  • Hydrating and incorporating movement into your daily routine. 
  • Checking in with your Dr. and taking your medication as prescribed. 
  • Having downtime— like the time you don’t have anything scheduled and want to chill. 

That seems simple enough, right? Well then, why is it so hard? 

All the noise. We live in a world with endless distractions, and we don’t make taking care of ourselves a priority. 

Whether you want to believe it or not, you are constantly inundated with information that is shaping the way you think. It sounds like something out of a sci-fi movie–robots putting thoughts in our heads, but this is our reality. Your smartphone also knows how to keep your attention–your most precious commodity! Whatever we focus our attention on then becomes the priority. So when you see Kylie Jenner’s new makeup palette pop up on your Insta feed for the 3rd time. Maybe you cave this time. Perhaps you start scrolling through Kylie’s page and wondering why you don’t have hair like that. Then an hour goes by, and you’ve bought a lip gloss and come up with four things you need to fix about your physical appearance. 

Another note about social media. We see our “friends” posting the highlights from their life—usually not the boring parts. So when you see Karen posting about her new dream job or Susie getting into the college of her dreams, there is a natural drive to feel like we are not doing enough. We see others posting more, doing more, and achieving more in their lives. So we compare. We set goals, we get ideas, and we schedule activities. All these things to fill a void. Thinking that somehow our self worth will increase if we can make our lives look a certain way. So we end up tired and overbooked. And who has time for 8 hours of sleep? 

That brings us to the next reason we slack on self-care, false beliefs. The number one thing I hear from clients when I suggest scheduling a yoga class or push for an extra two hours of sleep is “I don’t have time.” The truth is, you make time for what is essential. We all prioritize what we think is most important. If you think getting an A on an exam is the priority, then you will sacrifice sleep. More responses I often hear are, “I don’t deserve it,” “I don’t deserve to take a break,” “I am getting a C in math,” “I am not in my dream career,” “Other people work harder than me.” 

Here are some tips to improve your self-care routine today!

  1. Sleep hygiene- go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every day. Make sure that the schedule allows for 8-10 hours of SLEEP. If you have trouble with sleep, try to resist that second cup of coffee midday. I wrote more about sleep tips in a previous blog: Get more sleep. 
  2. Schedule face to face time with a supportive friend once a week. You might feel like you know what your friends are up to because you see their posts online, but that is not the same as having an honest face to face conversation with another human being. We are wired for connection. Research has proven that loneliness is a risk factor for depression, suicide, cardiovascular disease, immune system problems, substance abuse, and cognitive issues.
  3. Schedule no internet time during the day. You could choose to give yourself an hour or two after school or work to do something else that does not involve looking at your device.  
  4. Commit yourself to move your body more. The movement could be stretching each morning or taking the stairs when you have the option. You could dance to your favorite songs in the morning before you leave the house. By the way, this has nothing to do with weight loss. Healthy movement is about giving love to your body and connecting with what is going on inside. 
  5. Schedule your chill time. Rest is important! We are so overbooked. I talk to people who are so busy they claim they have no time to relax. The truth is, it’s just not seen as a priority. So make it one. Schedule it like you would anything else. 

For more info on self-care, check out the resources below.

What self-care is and what it isn’t

Understanding Sleep 

Rich Roll podcast with Rangan Chatterjee

Health science of Social Connection

Loneliness rivals smoking as a health risk

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Anxiety Explained

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Why am I feeling anxious?

Anxiety is quite the buzzword these days. It seems like every teen I meet has struggled with some form of anxiety, whether it is social anxiety, stress related to academics or a general sense of dread about the future. The truth is we all have anxiety. Our bodies are equipped with an alarm system that lets us know which situations are safe and which ones could be dangerous. When this alarm system is overactive, our bodies respond to benign situations as if they are dangerous. An example could be experiencing extreme fear when having to give a presentation. When someone’s anxiety interferes with daily life or is extremely out of proportion to actual threats then an individual may be diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder. 

In her latest book, Under Pressure, Dr. Lisa D’Amour sheds light on how anxiety can actually serve as an ally. Despite the common discussion, anxiety is not all bad. Anxiety is a warning sign, letting you know that something is off or there is something you need to pay attention to in your current environment. For example, your anxiety may be triggered when you are walking home alone at night in an unfamiliar area. In this example, the fear that is activated is actually helpful because it alerts you to the fact that your current circumstances could become unsafe. Other times it may be more subtle. You may feel anxious if you have been procrastinating on a school paper that is due in the next few days. Here your anxiety is working as “a protector”, helping you avoid the potential consequences of not turning in your work on time.

Here is what happens to your body when the alarm response is triggered.

When the brain interprets a situation as threatening, stress hormones are released triggering the body’s fight/flight/freeze response. The sympathetic nervous symptom is now activated. You may notice increased heart rate, sweating, shortness of breath, and/or digestive issues. Emotionally you may feel nervous, irritable or a sense of impending doom. Your mind will scan your environment for threats and logical thinking goes out the window.

“Anxiety overestimates how bad something is going to be and underestimates our ability to deal with it”. -Dr. Lisa Damour

Here are a few things to consider:

Anxiety can affect one’s thoughts, physiology, and behavior. Not paying attention to your basic biological needs can often be a culprit for anxiety symptoms. Feeling hungry or tired can make your alarm system more susceptive to become activated in unnecessary situations. Additionally, believing that you have little or no control over your circumstances can also contribute to worsening anxiety symptoms. Finally, not having adequate emotional support can certainly make anxiety worse.

So what can you do when you feel anxious?

  1.  Ask yourself: Is there something here I need to pay attention to? Sometimes mild anxiety can alert you to the behavior you may want to change. Did you just say something that you might regret? Are you putting off a project that you should’ve started last week? Often recognizing and remedying behavior can be enough to calm the nervous system. 
  2. Try grounding yourself. The 5,4,3,2,1 Game helps you interrupt the anxiety loop. Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste to bring yourself back to the present. Another helpful grounding tool is 3 S’s. Recognize the Surface you are sitting or standing on, notice physical Sensations like the temperature of the air touching your skin, and finally notice all the Sounds around you at this moment.
  3. Deep breathing is an excellent way to activate the Parasympathetic nervous system which triggers the body’s relaxation response. When your breathing is slow and deliberate, your brain gets the signal that you are safe. Try these helpful breathing techniques: Square breathing Diaphragmatic breathing.
  4. Recognize just like any other feeling, this too shall pass. All your feelings come and go. You have never had one feeling that lasted forever. It may be extremely uncomfortable but if you can ride it out, you will see that you are capable of handling this emotion.
  5. Make sure you have a support team to reach out to, whether it is a friend, parent or counselor. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be a helpful treatment for those suffering from anxiety disorders. Group therapy can also be a great place to share openly with people struggling with similar issues.

Finally, remember you will have to practice these techniques over and over to rewire your brain’s response. The more you practice, the more you train your brain to respond to situations in a new way.  Be sure to reach out to your healthcare provider if you have noticed worsening anxiety symptoms.

Further reading:

Under Pressure by Lisa Damour

Mayo Clinic

NIMH

Filed Under: cognitive behavioral therapy, mental health, Mind Body Connection, Mindfulness, Self Awareness, teens, Therapy, Thoughts, Uncategorized

How to be kinder to yourself

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We live in a society where workaholism is praised. Often, the media, our parents, our teachers and our bosses are sending the same message: work harder and you will meet your goals. As a self-proclaimed perfectionist, I must admit, I do buy into the idea that if I work harder I will get what I want. The truth is hard work doesn’t always pay off. Like most people, I get burned out. In addition to burn out, many can experience anxiety, “imposter syndrome”, and even paralyzing self-doubt when things don’t work out.

Even our children are taught to push themselves in order to be “the best”. One byproduct of this cultural norm is a society where an alarming percentage of young children are experiencing anxiety. This begs the question: What kind of example are we setting as adults? We work long hours, eat food “products” (that aren’t even real food), treat sleep like it is optional, are overscheduled and as a result feel undervalued. But feeling undervalued can start with your own mindset.

DO YOU VALUE YOURSELF?

Do you value yourself whether or not you get that promotion or get asked on a second date? Do you value yourself even though you skipped the gym today?

Are you giving yourself a break? Are you treating your body like the gift that it is?

The purpose of these questions is not to make you feel like you are failing but rather, to bring the idea of self-care back into your awareness.

Cut yourself some slack. The truth is that your “best” can look different from day to day. Recognize that you are going to have some days when you can give more than others. When you find yourself feeling irritable, sluggish or fatigued- it might be time to give yourself a break. Remember you wouldn’t be human if you felt the same way every minute of every day.

Below are 6 ways you can treat yourself with more kindness

  1. Get outside. Notice all the details. See all that is alive among the trees and wildlife. Nature has a healing effect on people. Experiencing something bigger than yourself can highlight the fact that there is more to life than what you are feeling at this moment.
  2. Treat yo self. Seriously, buy yourself a treat and savor it. Consume it mindfully. Whether it is a frappuccino from Starbucks, some chocolate or a freshly squeezed juice. And please don’t count the calories.
  3. Give your pet or kid a snuggle or ask for a hug from a friend. Human touch releases oxytocin, a bonding hormone. Studies show that oxytocin can help ease physical pain and emotional stress. 
  4. Notice your mistakes and EMBRACE them. Mistakes help us learn and remind us that we are human. Rather than beating yourself up every time you make an error, think in terms of a growth mindset. Try this thought on for size: If things stay status quo, I stay the same. If there is change, there is opportunity me to grow and get stronger.
  5. Allow yourself to unplug. Once upon a time, we lived in a world where cell phones did not exist. What would it be like if you weren’t readily available for everyone else? Being “on call” can feed anxious thoughts. The world will keep spinning even if you don’t respond to that text. What if you allowed things around you to happen without you interfering or constantly knowing what is going on in everyone else’s life? While social media has it’s benefits, it also feeds the tendency to compare your life to someone else’s. Remember what you see online is an edited, filtered avatar. No one’s life is perfect.
  6. Finally, applaud yourself for small victories. Did you schedule a Dr.’s appointment? Walk the dog? Pick up groceries for the week? Take the stairs? Go you! Celebrating these accomplishments can shift your mindset to a more positive one.

Further Reading

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

More about imposter syndrome

Benefits of Hugging 

Filed Under: Child, cognitive behavioral therapy, mental health, Mind Body Connection, Mindfulness, Self Awareness, self-esteem, Therapy, Thoughts, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

To the girl who feels like she will never fit in

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You are in pain. You don’t feel like you will ever be good enough. Maybe you feel like you are too different. You just want to be accepted. You wish that you could wave a magic wand and that things would change. It seems like you will just never fit in. The grown-ups just don’t get it. It’s too weird to talk about this stuff with your parents. It can be lonely when you are stuck carrying these feelings all by yourself.

I get it. As a therapist, I help girls who struggle with feeling like they aren’t good enough. The truth is you are good enough, sometimes it just doesn’t feel that way. The stuff that happens in your life as a kid and teenager is significant because it can change the person that you become.

What if you felt confident in who you are? What if you had the courage to be yourself and not care what the other kids think? What if you felt brave enough to show the world your talents and gifts? It is possible to get there.

Here are a few things you can start working on today:

  1. List out all the things in your life that bring you joy. I know– this one can be a challenge, especially if you are feeling low. Give it a try anyway. After you come up with 2 or 3 things, see if there is a way to incorporate these into your daily routine.
  2. Start talking to yourself like you would talk to a close friend or someone you really care about. Would you call a friend “stupid” or “a failure”? Probably not. Negative self-talk can perpetuate low self-esteem. Sometimes we may not even realize how mean we are to ourselves because these thoughts have become so automatic.
  3. Be honest with your parents or an adult whom you trust. Sharing things out can be a huge relief. Remember you are not alone.

Things do not have to stay this way! There is hope. With access to support and some helpful strategies, you can begin to finally realize how amazing you are.

 

Filed Under: Child, Mindfulness, Self Awareness, teenagers, teens, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

New Years Resolution- Get more sleep!

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Moving into the new year, you are probably hearing resolutions about eating healthy, losing weight or exercising more. While diet and exercise are important, one wellness area that most teens and adults tend to overlook is sleep. We forget that sleep is one of our most basic human needs. Your body needs sleep in order to function properly. Most adults need at least 7-9 hours of sleep, while teens need 8-10 hours.

Here are a few simple tips that I have found to be helpful for both myself and my clients to ensure a better night’s sleep:

    1. Make sure your bedroom is a place for rest. Feng Shui teachings advise keeping anything work related (homework, computers, etc) out of the bedroom. Why? So that your bedroom is an environment conducive to sleep–not work. On that note, unplug! Put the phone, iPad, and laptop on the other side of the room. Electronics can be a major distraction to both kids and adults. Also, decluttering your bedroom can be a great way to create a more peaceful space.
    2. Give your body some time to slow down. Avoid vigorous exercise at least 2 hours before bedtime and steer clear of caffeinated beverages in the afternoon.
    3. Bring it back to your five senses:

Sight:

Darkness is key. Research shows that darkness induces melatonin production. Melatonin is a hormone that helps control your sleep and wake cycles. You can use an eye mask or purchase blackout curtains for the bedroom to ensure complete darkness.

Sound:

Some people sleep better in silence, others may relax to the sound of white noise or a fan. Calming music with no words can help lull you to sleep. If your phone is not too much of a distraction, there are some helpful apps that use guided imagery and sounds to calm your mind (“insight timer” and “relax melodies” are great).

Touch:

Invest in something soothing to the touch- silky PJ’s, a soft blanket or special sheets. Make your bed a comfy place to be. Also be sure the temperature is right for you. Everyone is different. Some prefer to cooler temperatures and other people enjoy the comfort of a heated blanket. Find what works for you!

Taste:

Try drinking a warm beverage before bed. Hot (non-caffeinated) tea or warm milk with honey can have a relaxing effect on your body. Several foods can naturally increase melatonin production including tart cherry juice and bananas.

Smell:

Finally, my personal favorite way to unwind and relax, essential oils!! Lavender, Chamomile, Bergamot, Sweet Orange and Ylang Ylang are a few of my favorites. Essential oils can be added to water in a diffuser or you can simply rub some on your temples or under your nose before bed. 

See what works for you and let me know what you think!

Schedule your free 20-minute phone consultation today to see if you or your child could benefit from the extra support that therapy can provide.

For further reading on sleep, check out this TED talk https://www.ted.com/talks/jeff_iliff_one_more_reason_to_get_a_good_night_s_sleep

Tips on sleep hygiene from American Sleep Association https://www.sleepassociation.org/patients-general-public/insomnia/sleep-hygiene-tips/

 

Filed Under: mental health, Mind Body Connection, Mindfulness, parenting, sleep, teens, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,