Mindfulness Archives - Therapy and Mindfulness

Anxiety Explained

May 2, 2019 by Meghan Renzi

Why am I feeling anxious?

Anxiety is quite the buzzword these days. It seems like every teen I meet has struggled with some form of anxiety, whether it is social anxiety, stress related to academics or a general sense of dread about the future. The truth is we all have anxiety. Our bodies are equipped with an alarm system that lets us know which situations are safe and which ones could be dangerous. When this alarm system is overactive, our bodies respond to benign situations as if they are dangerous. An example could be experiencing extreme fear when having to give a presentation. When someone’s anxiety interferes with daily life or is extremely out of proportion to actual threats then an individual may be diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder.

In her latest book, Under Pressure, Dr. Lisa D’Amour sheds light on how anxiety can actually serve as an ally. Despite the common discussion, anxiety is not all bad. Anxiety is a warning sign, letting you know that something is off or there is something you need to pay attention to in your current environment. For example, your anxiety may be triggered when you are walking home alone at night in an unfamiliar area. In this example, the fear that is activated is actually helpful because it alerts you to the fact that your current circumstances could become unsafe. Other times it may be more subtle. You may feel anxious if you have been procrastinating on a school paper that is due in the next few days. Here your anxiety is working as “a protector”, helping you avoid the potential consequences of not turning in your work on time.

Here is what happens to your body when the alarm response is triggered.

When the brain interprets a situation as threatening, stress hormones are released triggering the body’s fight/flight/freeze response. The sympathetic nervous symptom is now activated. You may notice increased heart rate, sweating, shortness of breath, and/or digestive issues. Emotionally you may feel nervous, irritable or a sense of impending doom. Your mind will scan your environment for threats and logical thinking goes out the window.

“Anxiety overestimates how bad something is going to be and underestimates our ability to deal with it”. -Dr. Lisa Damour

Here are a few things to consider:

Anxiety can affect one’s thoughts, physiology, and behavior. Not paying attention to your basic biological needs can often be a culprit for anxiety symptoms. Feeling hungry or tired can make your alarm system more susceptive to become activated in unnecessary situations. Additionally, believing that you have little or no control over your circumstances can also contribute to worsening anxiety symptoms. Finally, not having adequate emotional support can certainly make anxiety worse.

So what can you do when you feel anxious?

Ask yourself: Is there something here I need to pay attention to? Sometimes mild anxiety can alert you to the behavior you may want to change. Did you just say something that you might regret? Are you putting off a project that you should’ve started last week? Often recognizing and remedying behavior can be enough to calm the nervous system.
Try grounding yourself. The 5,4,3,2,1 Game helps you interrupt the anxiety loop. Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste to bring yourself back to the present. Another helpful grounding tool is 3 S’s. Recognize the Surface you are sitting or standing on, notice physical Sensations like the temperature of the air touching your skin, and finally notice all the Sounds around you at this moment.
Deep breathing is an excellent way to activate the Parasympathetic nervous system which triggers the body’s relaxation response. When your breathing is slow and deliberate, your brain gets the signal that you are safe. Try these helpful breathing techniques: Square breathing Diaphragmatic breathing.
Recognize just like any other feeling, this too shall pass. All your feelings come and go. You have never had one feeling that lasted forever. It may be extremely uncomfortable but if you can ride it out, you will see that you are capable of handling this emotion.
Make sure you have a support team to reach out to, whether it is a friend, parent or counselor. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be a helpful treatment for those suffering from anxiety disorders. Group therapy can also be a great place to share openly with people struggling with similar issues.

Finally, remember you will have to practice these techniques over and over to rewire your brain’s response. The more you practice, the more you train your brain to respond to situations in a new way. Be sure to reach out to your healthcare provider if you have noticed worsening anxiety symptoms.

5 ways to survive the end of the school year

May 22, 2018 by Meghan Renzi

5 ways to survive the end of the school year.

The end of the school year can be rough. April and May are typically the busiest months for mental health professionals. Interestingly enough, April is Stress Awareness Month and May is Mental Health Awareness Month! For many of the teens and college students who I work with, the end of the school year is a particularly stressful time—deadlines, a pressure to complete assignments that were put off and studying for finals. Maybe you are starting a new school in the fall or going away to college. The awareness that these transitions are approaching can also contribute to anxiety during the last few months of school… And don’t disregard the fact that you have been in school for almost 9 months now and you are probably exhausted!

So how do you finish this marathon without burning out?

Here are 5 helpful tools:

Keep things in perspective. Stressful situations are easier for most people when there is an endpoint in sight. Remember that you are nearing the end of the school year and the barrage of academic demands will end shortly. If you find yourself overwhelmed, it might be helpful to lower the expectations you are placing on yourself. Focus on getting your work done. Remember it does not have to be perfect. Education, whether it is high school, college or grad school is a place for you to learn. It is okay to not have all the answers and make mistakes. If you knew everything 100% you wouldn’t need to be in school! Do the best you can with what is in front of you.
Practice grounding. When anxiety takes over your brain, it can be extremely difficult to think rationally. Panic symptoms can cause you to go into fight or flight mode, which is not using your higher level thinking. So how do you get your logical brain back onboard? Hit the pause and let yourself just be. Feel your feet on the ground. Notice your surroundings. The 5,4,3, 2,1 game can be a great way to bring yourself back to the here and now. Scan your current environment for 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, listen for 3 things you can hear, find 2 things to smell and 1 thing to taste. This grounding exercise can be a quick way to bring you back to the present moment.
Let yourself feel your feelings. It is okay to feel angry, “over it”, tired, disappointed or sad. Whatever you are feeling, allow yourself to feel it. Feelings are feelings, they are not good or bad and there is no reason to suppress how you are feeling. Let yourself Ride the wave, in other words, let yourself surf the intense emotion rather than trying to change it. Remember, no emotion is permanent, allow yourself to experience what you are feeling in the moment without judgment.
Schedule activities to look forward to. I think by now most people are aware that positive incentives can increase motivation. Whether or not your grades are where you want them to be, you worked hard this year, so give yourself a reward. Examples of rewards could be getting a massage or pedicure, planning a dinner date with some friends or taking a weekend trip that you’ve been putting off.
Join a group. Having some accountability can be super helpful if you are struggling to stay motivated during these last few weeks of school. Being with peers can also provide a safe place to vent about what is bothering you and see that you are not alone. Group members can often provide helpful solutions, sharing what has worked for them. Group therapy can also be a great place to share your feelings in a safe supportive setting, without the threat of judgment.

It can be so hard to keep the momentum going at this juncture. Give yourself a break, let yourself feel, be where you are and talk it out. There is a light at the end of this tunnel!

Feel free to post any other tips you have for surviving the end of the school year.

Teen girls- contact me if you are interested in joining a therapy group this summer.

6 Ways to Improve your Daughter’s Self-Esteem

March 30, 2018 by Meghan Renzi

Negative Self-Talk

You hear your daughter complain about her body, comparing herself to peers. You hear your little girl using words like“fat” and “ugly” to describe herself. It can be heartbreaking for any parent.

It is not uncommon for girls to develop an overly critical voice around the tween years (and often even younger). Being a teen girl in today’s world has its challenges. With social media at our fingertips, we are constantly bombarded with images of what the ideal woman looks like. These unrealistic images can set up vulnerable teen girls for the comparison trap. Viewing doctored photos of stick-thin models, seeing friends post the “highlight reel” of their average teenage life can feed the all-too-common attitude of I am not enough.

Adolescent Development

During adolescence, the brain and body experience changes that are arguably more remarkable than those of any other developmental stage. You may notice obvious physical changes with your daughter, shifts in your relationship and often switching peer groups. These adjustments can contribute to increased feelings of insecurity for your daughter. Now is the time for parents to quell the urge to impose their worldviews on the teenager and instead give them the space to develop their own ideas and have new experiences. Arguments and emotional outbursts may become common occurrences. For many parents, raising a teen can feel like a rollercoaster.

So what is in your control?

Here are a few things you can do as a parent to improve your daughter’s self-esteem

1. Highlight her strengths. Does your daughter make you laugh? Does she take initiative on certain tasks? Is she a creative problem solver? Let her know that you notice these traits. You can even help your daughter reframe certain characteristics that were once viewed as insults. For example “weird” becomes “unique” or “bossy” becomes “leadership material” and “slow” becomes “thoughtful”. Bringing to light inner personality traits is super important right now, especially when society places such an emphasis on physical characteristics.

2. Validate her feelings. Growing up can be hard! Relationships end, friends move away, rejection happens. It is imperative that your daughter knows that feelings are just feelings. It is okay to feel angry when your best friend ditches you. Instead of saying “there is no reason to be upset”, try “I can see that you are angry right now and it makes sense to be angry in this situation”. Remember validating does not mean you are feeding the negativity but rather showing that it is okay to accept an emotion and let it pass. “Having their feelings validated gives teens the encouragement they need to feel accepted, admit defeat and re-adjust” (Koffler).

3. Model body acceptance. Avoid beating yourself up in front of your daughter. Speaking about your own body in a negative way models body hate for your girl. Outwardly obsessing about your own appearance only reinforces the message that the external is what’s important. Another dangerous thought pattern to avoid is black and white thinking related to food. Statements like “I’m so bad for eating this pizza” or “I am too fat for dessert” can contribute to your daughter developing an unhealthy attitude around food and her own body.

4. Give positive feedback for hard work. Most people respond to positive reinforcement. Give your girl credit for her effort even if it doesn’t result in an “accomplishment”. For example- you may notice her studying hard for a test. Even if she gets a C, it is important to give her positive feedback for the effort she put in. Applaud her for taking action, even if the outcome was not what she was hoping for. “If we can teach our teens to be curious and refrain from viewing experiences through a binary lens of black or white, good or bad, success or failure, they’ll begin to explore everyday experiences more fully” (Koffler).

5. Acknowledge assertiveness. Assertiveness means being confident without being aggressive. Assertive communication involves stating your own needs while respecting someone else’s point of view. At home, your daughter may label her feelings (“I am angry”) and tell you she needs to go to her room and cool off, rather than storming out of the house. These behaviors are healthy and should be reinforced with positive feedback. Encourage your daughter to stand up for herself and others. If you hear about your daughter challenging an injustice, make a point to acknowledge her courage.

6. Keep “mistakes” in perspective. Reframing mistakes can be super important for teen girls, who are often self-critical. The truth is everyone makes mistakes! Mistakes are how we grow and learn. As a teenager, the ability to make mistakes and learn from them is crucial to the launching process. Avoid “cushioning” your kid. Let them make their own mistakes. “Growth-minded individuals perceive task setbacks as a necessary part of the learning process and they “bounce back” by increasing their motivational effort”. Share your own hiccups with your daughter. Rather than shaming her or saying “I told you so”, ask her what she learned or what she would have done differently.

Remember that this is a challenging time for the parent and the child. Be gentle with yourself. It can take a lot of patience and practice to implement a new mindset around mistakes, body image, and feelings. It is totally okay to let your daughter see your vulnerability by telling her that you are learning too!

If you need extra support and are in the Washington DC area, please feel to message me through my contact page. My practice offers complimentary phone consultations for new clients.

Further Reading

“The Curse of the Good Girl,” by Rachel Simmons

“Brainstorm” by Dan Siegel

The Neuroscience of Growth Mindset and Intrinsic Motivation from NIH

Three Tips for Raising Resilient Teens by Theo Koffler

Filed Under: body image, Mindfulness, parenting, parents, self-esteem, teens, Thoughts

We can’t stay silent on the topic of teen suicide. What parents and teens can do.

December 13, 2017 by Meghan Renzi

Over the past few weeks, our community has been rocked by 2 teen suicides. Both teens were students at prominent Kensington High Schools. These tragedies are becoming all too common. We hear about it on the news and over social media. According to Mary Anderson, spokeswoman for the Montgomery County Department of Health and Human Services, there have been 5 teen suicides in Montgomery County this year.

There is certainly speculation about the correlation between social media and the rise in child and teen suicides in this country. Cyberbullying, a relatively new phenomenon, has become a major source of stress for today’s teen. There is pressure to present a certain image to the outside world, while what is going on inside often remains hidden. In the Washington DC area, in particular, there is an inordinate amount of value placed on achievement. According to a 2017 article in Forbes magazine, Washington DC is the 2nd most educated city in the United States. The comparison trap is a dangerous one. For emotionally fragile teens, the pressure to succeed is magnified. While we may not be able to change the culture, we can certainly change our attitude towards it.

Facts about Teen Suicide:

Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the world for those aged 15-24 years.
Teens are more likely to tell a peer, rather than an adult if they are having thoughts of suicide.
Only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment (NAMI).
There is one death by suicide in the US every 12 minutes (CDC).
“Among teenagers, suicide attempts may be associated with feelings of stress, self-doubt, the pressure to succeed, financial uncertainty, disappointment, and loss. For some teens, suicide may appear to be a solution to their problems” (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry).

What parents can do:

Talk to your kids. Parents need to talk about this. Of course, it is uncomfortable to talk about suicide. Many parents worry that bringing up the topic of suicide will ignite those ideations in their child. However, just like sex and drugs, teen suicide is a reality in the world today. Let your child know that they can come to you with anything. Ask open-ended questions. Let them know how you are feeling. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Having an open conversation about suicide will help your child feel more comfortable coming to you for help.
Watch for warning signs. It is so important for parents to know what to watch for when it comes to suicide risk factors. Withdrawal from peers, hopelessness, loss of interest, a decline in hygiene, use of drugs and alcohol as a means to escape, hypersomnia or lack of sleep, and loss of appetite are just some of the warning signs. In addition, you may notice personality changes and increased feelings of apathy (for example– a “who cares” or “nothing matters” attitude).
Ask for help. Talk to your child’s pediatrician, go to a mental health professional for guidance or join a parent support group. You don’t have to do it alone. When your child has a physical ailment, you take them to the doctor. You aren’t expected to fix a medical problem on your own. The same goes for psychiatric issues. If you are worried about your child’s mental health, professional help is a must. While it may look like something that is in your child’s control, it is not. There is a common misconception that people with depression and thoughts of suicide can simply snap out of it.

What teens can do:

Talk about your own experience and break the silence. We live in a world where so much of our private lives have been made public. However, there are still certain things that we tend to keep to ourselves. Most of us have been programmed to feel shame when it comes to mental health issues. What if we felt open to share how we actually felt? What if you shared that you go to therapy, experience anxiety or are having issues with depression? You don’t have to feed into the stigma. Mental health issues are a reality.
Don’t add to the problem, be a part of the solution. If you see something, say something– whether it is bullying over social media or noticing warning signs of depression in a friend. If you know someone who is suffering, offer support and tell a trusted adult, like a parent or guidance counselor. Staying silent only feeds into the problem.
Join a group or start a group.
Groups can be a great place to open up and share what is really going on in a safe supportive environment. Whether it is a peer-led self-help group or a group run by a therapist or counselor, hearing other people’s stories can help you to see that you are not in this alone. A group setting can provide a place for you to “relate in” and learn how others were able to manage similar issues.

Remember if you or a friend are having thoughts of suicide, tell someone you trust. You are not alone, even though it feels like it. Asking for help takes courage but there is support available if you need it.

Resources

Facts About Suicide

References

Filed Under: cognitive behavioral therapy, coping skills, group, mental health, Mindfulness, parenting, parents, self harm, self-esteem, social media, suicide, teenagers, teens, Therapy, Thoughts

To the Teen Already Suffering From Anxiety: How to Process Tragic Events.

October 4, 2017 by Meghan Renzi

If you are a teen growing up in today’s world, chances are you feel constantly bombarded with information, often bad news. After the mass shooting in Las Vegas, I thought about how some of my adolescent and young adult patients would respond. Most of the young people I work with are already dealing with anxiety on some level. I have to reflect on how I would have processed such a scary assault back when I was a teenager. I recall being in high school during the 9/11 terrorist attack and how terrifying that was for my peers and me. The news coverage back then seemed neverending. The world certainly changed after that day in 2001 but the terror has not stopped.

Today we have even more access to information thanks to the internet. You see coverage of hurricanes, war, violent protests and mass shootings. Here is the scary part: we cannot predict what will happen next. Sometimes it might feel like everywhere you look there is devastation. So how do you manage panic? How do you send your body the message that right now you are safe?

Here are 3 things you can do to take back your control.

1. Limit your social media and news. Social media often becomes a place for people to voice their opinions after such tragedies. While raising awareness of the issues is great, it’s not uncommon for Facebook and Twitter to become a battleground for opposing political opinions. Watching these arguments can give rise to emotions like anger, frustration, and fear. While these emotions are not “bad”, constantly feeding them can create more anxiety and stress in your body.

In terms of watching the news, there is no need to be checking on what is happening 24/7. Seeing terror on the television or watching videos online can cause a traumatic response in the viewer and increase panic symptoms.

2. Practice grounding. Our bodies respond to stress by going into fight, flight or freeze mode. While you may not be in any physical danger currently, your physical response may tell you that you are. Bringing yourself back into your body, in the present moment, can be a great way to get out of your head. One tool I teach my clients on a regular basis is the 5,4,3,2,1 game. I advise clients to come back into the here and now by noticing 5 things they can see, 4 things they can touch, 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell and 1 thing they can taste. This practice can help you to become more present instead of ruminating over the past or worrying about what the future holds. Other helpful grounding practices are belly breathing and physical contact– (like hugging friends, family, and pets).

Remember in this moment you are safe.

3. Do something. It can be easy to write a post about how you feel on social media. It may require more effort to enact bigger change. Start a fundraiser at your high school, raise awareness in your community about the issues or write your congressmen. Click on the links below for ways to help the those affected by the recent hurricanes and the victims of the shooting in Las Vegas.

Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands

Las Vegas

Finally, if you notice any anxiety, trauma or mood symptoms worsening, you may need help from a mental health professional. Tell your parent or caregiver that you are struggling and know that help is available. You don’t have to do anything alone!

Your Questions Answered: How Yoga Can Help Your Mental Health.

September 22, 2017 by Meghan Renzi

What is Yoga?

I cannot tell you how many times I hear people say “I can’t do yoga I am not flexible”. The truth is yoga is not just about the poses! The word “yoga” actually comes from the phrase “to yoke” or to bring together. Yoga is a way to connect mind, body, and breath. Because this mindful practice includes breath control, centering, and physical movement, it is often referred to as a “moving meditation”. Yoga does not have to be bending into a pretzel or that classic image of svelte models effortlessly floating into dancer pose.

The physical health benefits are numerous and well documented in medical journals. A regular yoga practice is associated with improved cardiovascular health, relief from chronic pain, arthritis and better sleep, in addition to improving muscle strength and posture. Awareness of breath helps you to slow down your thoughts and incorporate more body awareness.

Okay, so what about the mental health benefits?

Most people are aware that practicing yoga will calm your body down. Having a mindfulness practice can also encourage you to stay present with whatever is happening. Oftentimes we are wrapped up in what has happened in the past or what we believe will happen in the future. I can speak for myself when I say that I often get carried away with my thoughts, worries, and “What Ifs”.

Coming back into your breath can take the focus out of your head and into your body. Something magical happens when you connect with your body. Staying in the moment allows you be open to all of the wonderful possibilities your life has to offer.

How can yoga help my depression?

Most of us know that physical exercise is beneficial to one suffering from depression. Yoga is awesome because it incorporates mindfulness with the movement that does not have to be strenuous. Often in depression, the sufferer will experience lethargy, rumination, feelings of sadness and lack of motivation. Practicing yoga and meditation can combat these symptoms and even increase production of feel-good chemicals in the brain like GABA, dopamine, and serotonin. The practices of yoga and meditation have been noted to activate these neurotransmitters that help regulate mood.

What about my anxiety?

Yoga is a great exercise for someone dealing with anxiety. Often people who suffer from anxiety disorders are preoccupied with what is going on in their heads. Predicting unpleasant events and re-living uncomfortable situations are common for those who struggle with anxiety. Yoga allows space to notice that right now, in this moment, everything is okay. Patients who have been diagnosed with panic disorders and other anxiety disorders, typically have decreased GABA activity in the brain. The chemicals that are released in the brain during a yoga class have been compared to the effects of the Benzodiazepine class of anti-anxiety medication.

I am struggling with addiction. Can yoga help me?

Having a yoga practice can definitely be a helpful supplement to addiction treatment and recovery programs. As stated earlier, Yoga and other mindfulness practices can increase blissful chemicals in the brain like GABA, dopamine, and serotonin, which can be responsible for that post-yoga class euphoric feeling. Additionally, having a routine can be beneficial for anyone dealing with a mental health concern. Adding yoga to your schedule can give you something to look forward to and keep you busy in a positive way.

Do kids and teens benefit from yoga?

Absolutely. In fact, yoga can help children to be more aware of the way their bodies move, while also building comfort with those growing bodies. Teaching mindful movement and meditation to younger children will allow them to learn to focus and be present. Integrating breath and movement can also help with emotional regulation. For teens, yoga can help improve self-esteem by increasing body gratitude and building a sense of community.

How often should I practice?

If I could practice every day I totally would! I think incorporating some kind of mindful exercise whether it is meditation, yoga or prayer, can be a helpful way to start the day. If it starts to feel like a chore, it may be time to prioritize and look at what else is taking up your time. A lot of people find that the calm they feel after going to a yoga class or practicing yoga on their own is well worth it.

Remember that you get what you put in. If you make taking care of yourself a priority, you will reap the benefits.

Please let me know your thoughts and message me with any questions 🙂

How to Make Worry Stones

August 27, 2017 by Meghan Renzi

Worry Stones

I recently posted a photo of some “worry stones” I made on Instagram and I received a lot of positive feedback, as well as questions about how to make these magical stones.

I cannot take credit for the invention of worry stones. I learned about worry stones while working in a partial hospitalization program for adolescents. We made worry stones as a group activity and also gave them out as a distress tolerance tool for the teens.

A worry stone can be used as a grounding tool if you are feeling “up in your head”, angry or anxious. Rubbing a worry stone between your index finger and thumb can be a way to bring you make to the here and now.

A great thing about these worry stones is that they are small enough to fit in your pocket and the movement of rubbing your fingers together is so subtle that no one will even know you are using a coping skill! Also, the process of making worry stones can be therapeutic in and of itself.

Here is what you will need to make your very own batch of worry stones:

I purchase everything on Amazon but you can also go to your local craft store

Assorted colors of bakeable clay (I use Sculpy)

Sculpy glaze (optional)

Sparkles or Sparkle dust

An oven

A baking pan

Your hands

That’s it!

Okay, now how to make them….

Preheat the oven to 275 degrees.
Break a few pieces off of 2-4 colors and swirl together. (There is definitely a sweet spot in terms of when to stop mixing. Too much mixing can make the color turn out muddy).
Roll your clay mixture into a ball a little larger than a quarter.
Press your thumb into the ball so the piece of clay forms into a bowl shape but also gives you a nice spot to rub your thumb. (You can make as many as you want!!)
Once you have made your worry stones you can place them on your baking sheet about 1 inch apart.
Bake for 15 minutes.
Once you have allowed your stones to cool, you can choose to add sparkle dust or your glaze.

Now that you are done, you can keep some for yourself or give them out as gifts!

Please send me a message and let me know how they turn out 🙂

Namaste.

Filed Under: Child, coping skills, mental health, Mind Body Connection, Mindfulness, parenting, parents, Self Awareness, teenagers, teens, Therapy Tagged With: anger management, anxiety, coping skills, distress tolerance, mindfulness, parenting, therapy

A message to parents: Teach peace

August 14, 2017 by Meghan Renzi

With all the hate and violence in the world, it can be hard to maintain a positive attitude. I typically do not blog about current events but after this past weekend, I felt compelled to say something. I apologize for any grammatical errors. I felt it was more important to get this message out there than proofreading this blog.

I became a social worker because I wanted to help people who may not have been afforded the same blessings that I have (obviously). I continued working in this often emotionally draining and sometimes depressing profession for the past 10 years because I love hearing people’s stories, stories of resilience. I love talking to people who despite the odds, kept going because they had to. People who had faith they were being taken care of, that their suffering was not for nothing. I love pointing out people’s strengths.

Sometimes I wonder, how can certain people be filled with such hate and contempt for those who are different? I take a step back. I have to remember that we are taught certain values and beliefs in childhood that we carry with us as adults. Hate is taught… and hate often stems from fear. Where do hate and fear come from?

It starts at home.

So how can we teach the next generation to be advocates of peace?

In our modern world, a lot of us are plagued with worry about violence in our communities, not to mention the threat of nuclear war. Will my kids be influenced by the news? Will my kids pick up on my own stress and anxiety? Unfortunately, the answer to both questions is a resounding YES. Our children are impacted by what is happening around them constantly. The good news is that you have a choice about what you expose your child to. You can decide to live in a place of fear or will to teach your child to be a proponent of love. Children and adolescents are impressionable, but they also can be incredibly buoyant.

What can you do as a parent to make sure your kid stays emotionally healthy in such an unstable, often scary world?

Take care of yourself first. Put the oxygen mask on yourself. You cannot be fully present for your child if you don’t. Self-care at this point may involve enlisting the help of a therapist or attending a support group to deal with your own issues around what is happening in the world. Self-care could also mean making it a priority to go to yoga 1x a week or even finding a half hour to sit quietly and read (preferably something not related to current events). These things may seem to be luxuries but they are absolutely necessary to keep you going. Remember your child will be influenced by your anxieties. You can choose to be a calm presence for your child in an unpredictable world.

Teach love and teach them to connect! Uniting with people who share a common mindset of inclusion can be super powerful, whether it is at your child’s school, in a meditation group or in your spiritual community. Tara Brach, psychologist and meditation teacher, talks about “the unreal other”. Tara talks about what happens when we see people from different races, religions, cultures and economic status through a lens of separateness. “We are conditioned to perceive people as unreal others- two-dimensional characters who lack sentience, vulnerability, and goodness. This is often most insidious when we filter people through demeaning culturally driven stereotypes”. Building a sense of community can be an antidote.

Be the change. Help your neighbor. Smile at a stranger. Volunteer. Make it a family affair. Posting on social media is great to raise awareness, but it is way more impactful to actually do something. Getting out there and helping can open your kid’s eyes to see that the world is bigger than their sheltered bubble. Donate your time to a cause that you care about. Yeah, you might have to inconvenience yourself but it can also be an exercise in gratitude for the whole family.

Look at what is in your control. Here is what you can’t control- the actions of others. Ask yourself these questions: Can I help someone today? Can I send up some prayers? Can I cut back on my news watching and spend more time with my kids? Can I start a daily Metta (loving-kindness) meditation practice?

Finally do not let fear rule your life. Easier said than done, I know. Focusing on the problems: i.e. Obsessing about the news, wondering how people could be so hateful, worrying about what is going to happen next, take time and energy away from looking at solutions. How can I be an ambassador of peace? How can I teach my children that we are all brothers and sisters part of one human race?

Always reach out for help and emotional support if you need to.

Keep in mind that it is okay to be upset! These events are absolutely appalling. But remember-

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

Further reading:

Tara Brach

Insight Meditation Community of Washington

Still Water Mediation Group

Get involved:

Big Brothers Big Sisters

YMCA

So Others May Eat

Martha’s Table

Filed Under: Child, development, mental health, Mindfulness, parenting, parents

To the twenty-something who feels stuck

August 9, 2017 by Meghan Renzi

You feel like you aren’t where you should be.

You finished school but things don’t feel right. For some reason, you thought you would be fully “adulting” by now but instead, you feel lost and unsure of your next steps. You were able to work hard in school but now it’s a struggle to get up off the couch. Maybe you can still go to your job but it feels like there is something missing. You feel like you can’t enjoy your life. Where is that drive you once had?

You might feel like you aren’t living up to everyone’s expectations.

Maybe you feel like you are letting your parents down or perhaps you are realizing that what your parents see for you is different than what you want for yourself. It doesn’t help watching your peers’ successes posted all over social media. You know for sure you are not fulfilling your potential.

It shouldn’t be this hard, right?

What you are experiencing is not at all uncommon. Your twenties can be an overwhelming and scary time. You are expected to be an adult, but at the same time, you have never had to be on your own before. Managing responsibilities like paying bills, grocery shopping and showing up to work, not to mention basic self-care can be difficult. The passage into adulthood is a challenge to navigate. For some people, achievements like completing high school or college can be liberating, but for others, no longer having that structure can be incredibly daunting. But these transitions do not have to be paralyzing.

What if you were able to feel motivated and inspired to get out there? How would it feel to have a life that made you want to jump out of bed in the morning? What if you felt happy? What if you felt like things were falling into place and you were right where you were supposed to be?

As cheesy as it sounds, there is only one of you. You have gifts and talents that no one else has. You don’t have to struggle alone. You just need the support to move forward.

The young adults I have worked with benefit from a perception change.

So what is getting in your way?

A pattern of negative thinking. Your thoughts influence your feelings and behaviors. If you don’t pay attention to what you are telling yourself, it will be hard to make any kind of change. One distorted thinking pattern that can get in the way of positive change is “all or nothing” or “black and white” thinking. Thinking in these terms means you see people or events in extremes. This type of thinking may cause you to categorize things as “good” or “bad” instead of seeing the gray area. Another distorted thinking pattern is labeling. You may label yourself as “a loser” or “a failure”. Labeling yourself as “unmotivated” or “lazy” can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help get to the core of these distorted thinking patterns and equip you with the tools you need to challenge your own thinking.
The belief that everything is going to be perfect. News flash- nothing in life is ever going to be “perfect”. Additionally, no human being is immune from making mistakes. If you wait for everything to line up the way you believe it should, you may be waiting forever. Sometimes you need to take action. Mindfulness can be an antidote to perfectionism because it allows us to see things as they are without judgment.
Self-sabotage. Often we deal with feelings of shame and self-doubt by self-medicating. Whether it be with food, alcohol, or even Netflix. Using these things to cope can feel good. Duh, that’s why people use them, right? They are a quick fix. However, when you constantly go to the quick fix, it can become way too easy to shy away from developing the healthy coping skills that may involve more work. Long term use of unhealthy coping skills can also lead to emotional and health related consequences.
An underlying mental health diagnosis. Depression and anxiety can cause debilitating symptoms that may look like a lack of drive. Symptoms like fatigue and hopelessness can be incapacitating. Unfortunately, people who are struggling with addiction are often seen as lacking the willpower to change. Symptoms of ADHD are often disguised as laziness. The truth is, these serious diagnoses are not your fault and should be treated by a mental health professional.
The belief that it is not okay to ask for help. Does this statement sound familiar- “I should be able to handle this”? Whether you are having trouble with independent living or just feeling stuck, you CAN ask for help. Most successful people have had plenty of help along the way. You have been trying to do this on your own long enough and it is not working. Remember “if nothing changes, nothing changes”.

You don’t have to stay stuck.

Filed Under: cognitive behavioral therapy, mental health, Mindfulness, Self Awareness, self-esteem, Therapy, Thoughts Tagged With: cognitive behavioral therapy, depression, mental health, millennial, motivation, stuck, substance abuse, young adult

How to be kinder to yourself

July 12, 2017 by Meghan Renzi

We live in a society where workaholism is praised. Often, the media, our parents, our teachers and our bosses are sending the same message: work harder and you will meet your goals. As a self-proclaimed perfectionist, I must admit, I do buy into the idea that if I work harder I will get what I want. The truth is hard work doesn’t always pay off. Like most people, I get burned out. In addition to burn out, many can experience anxiety, “imposter syndrome”, and even paralyzing self-doubt when things don’t work out.

Even our children are taught to push themselves in order to be “the best”. One byproduct of this cultural norm is a society where an alarming percentage of young children are experiencing anxiety. This begs the question: What kind of example are we setting as adults? We work long hours, eat food “products” (that aren’t even real food), treat sleep like it is optional, are overscheduled and as a result feel undervalued. But feeling undervalued can start with your own mindset.

DO YOU VALUE YOURSELF?

Do you value yourself whether or not you get that promotion or get asked on a second date? Do you value yourself even though you skipped the gym today?

Are you giving yourself a break? Are you treating your body like the gift that it is?

The purpose of these questions is not to make you feel like you are failing but rather, to bring the idea of self-care back into your awareness.

Cut yourself some slack. The truth is that your “best” can look different from day to day. Recognize that you are going to have some days when you can give more than others. When you find yourself feeling irritable, sluggish or fatigued- it might be time to give yourself a break. Remember you wouldn’t be human if you felt the same way every minute of every day.

Below are 6 ways you can treat yourself with more kindness

Get outside. Notice all the details. See all that is alive among the trees and wildlife. Nature has a healing effect on people. Experiencing something bigger than yourself can highlight the fact that there is more to life than what you are feeling at this moment.
Treat yo self. Seriously, buy yourself a treat and savor it. Consume it mindfully. Whether it is a frappuccino from Starbucks, some chocolate or a freshly squeezed juice. And please don’t count the calories.
Give your pet or kid a snuggle or ask for a hug from a friend. Human touch releases oxytocin, a bonding hormone. Studies show that oxytocin can help ease physical pain and emotional stress.
Notice your mistakes and EMBRACE them. Mistakes help us learn and remind us that we are human. Rather than beating yourself up every time you make an error, think in terms of a growth mindset. Try this thought on for size: If things stay status quo, I stay the same. If there is change, there is opportunity me to grow and get stronger.
Allow yourself to unplug. Once upon a time, we lived in a world where cell phones did not exist. What would it be like if you weren’t readily available for everyone else? Being “on call” can feed anxious thoughts. The world will keep spinning even if you don’t respond to that text. What if you allowed things around you to happen without you interfering or constantly knowing what is going on in everyone else’s life? While social media has it’s benefits, it also feeds the tendency to compare your life to someone else’s. Remember what you see online is an edited, filtered avatar. No one’s life is perfect.
Finally, applaud yourself for small victories. Did you schedule a Dr.’s appointment? Walk the dog? Pick up groceries for the week? Take the stairs? Go you! Celebrating these accomplishments can shift your mindset to a more positive one.