Therapy & Mindfulness Practices

Why Life Feels So Hard in Your 20s — And How to Navigate It

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Life After the College Bubble

Your 20s are full of firsts, transitions, big decisions, highs, and missteps. Life can feel overwhelming, and perfectionism often ramps up during this decade—whether it’s starting your career, managing relationships, or figuring out your identity. Social media amplifies the pressure, showing curated snapshots of peers who seem to have it all together.

Leaving college can make the shift even more stark. In school, life existed in a bubble: you had a place to eat, a place to sleep, your basic needs were met, and your friends were always nearby. Your schedule was structured, expectations were clear, and support was built into your environment. After graduation, that safety net disappears. Suddenly, you are the one responsible for making all the decisions, building your support network, and figuring out life on your own. It’s no wonder everything feels bigger and harder.

Why Perfectionism Hits Harder in Your 20s

1. You’re carving your path.
In your 20s, you’re deciding who you want to be, what career to pursue, and what kind of life you want to build. Each decision feels high stakes, and mistakes can feel catastrophic, especially without that built in safety net.

2. Comparison is constant.
It’s easy to compare yourself to peers who appear “ahead,” “successful,” or “together.” Social media exaggerates these comparisons, making it feel like everyone else is doing better than you. Now it’s not just Instagram feeds but LinkedIn profiles. You see in real time, your peers landing their dream jobs or getting professional recognition.

3. Fear of falling behind.
You may believe that if you don’t get it right now, you’ll be permanently behind. This fear keeps you anxious and striving for perfection. Imposter syndrome kicks in. You get the feeling that you are not prepared to deal with being an adult.

These pressures feed a common worry: If I mess up, people will see I don’t belong, or I’m a fraud.

Why This Decade Feels Especially Challenging

Your 20s are a transitional decade. You’re no longer in the structured environment of college, but you haven’t fully settled into adult life either. Ambiguity is normal, yet it can make challenges feel amplified. Perfectionism thrives here, convincing you that any misstep is catastrophic when, in reality, mistakes are part of the growth process.

Strategies to Navigate Your 20s

  1. Practice Self-Compassion.
    Recognize that your 20s are a time for experimentation and learning. Mistakes don’t define your worth—they shape your resilience. Most successful people can look back and see that they were still figuring things out in their 20s (which is totally developmentally appropriate by the way).
  2. Focus on Progress, Not Perfection.
    Small, consistent steps toward your goals are more important than flawless execution. Daily self-care habits- getting a good night’s sleep, staying hydrated, moving your body, and getting the right nutrition for your body- can set you up for success.
  3. Limit Comparison.
    Remember, social media is a highlight reel. Everyone is figuring things out behind the scenes. If there is a way to limit your time on social media, do it.
  4. Reflect and Journal.
    Writing about your experiences and feelings can help you make sense of transitions and gain perspective on fears and anxieties. Putting pen to paper can help you gain the perspective you need to move forward.
  5. Reach Out for Support.
    Do not be afraid to ask for help. No one gets by in this world without it. Friends, mentors, and therapists can provide guidance, reassurance, and accountability as you navigate these years.
  6. Embrace Uncertainty and Mistakes.
    Try small “mistake exposures,” like sending a draft without obsessing over edits or trying a new activity without perfect execution. Each time, you build confidence and resilience. The more often you make small mistakes and see that the outcome is tolerable — people still like you, the world keeps turning — your brain learns: Mistakes aren’t dangerous. I can handle them.

Final Thoughts

Your 20s are meant to be a period of learning, experimentation, and growth. Life may feel hard right now, but the challenges you face are shaping you into a capable, resilient adult. Instead of striving for perfection, focus on growth, self-compassion, and enjoying the journey—even when it’s messy. The “bubble” of college is gone, but now you have the freedom to build a life that’s meaningful on your terms. There is a lot of uncertainty at this stage of life. Rather than treating the uncertainty like a threat, you can view it as a future with endless possibilities. It is up to you!

If you need extra support navigating this phase of life, please to reach out.

Filed Under: anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy, coping skills, development, journey, mental health, perfectionism, self-esteem Tagged With: , , , , ,

Why You Should Practice Making Mistakes

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Perfectionism promises excellence—but all too often, it delivers anxiety and self-doubt. What if part of the cure is doing the opposite of perfect?

What if making mistakes on purpose could actually help you grow stronger?

Why Perfectionism Holds You Back

Perfectionists set extremely high standards and often believe that self-worth depends on meeting them. Fear of mistakes keeps you stuck: you procrastinate, overwork, or avoid taking any action unless conditions are “just right.” Many experts believe that perfectionism is closely tied to shame. For example, if I do this perfectly, I can avoid criticism and therefore shame.

When things don’t go perfectly, self-criticism spikes, and the internal dialogue can become harsh: you blame yourself, second-guess your decisions, and ruminate on what went wrong.

Exposure Therapy: A Tool from Psychology

In therapy, there’s a technique called exposure therapy — the idea is to slowly and intentionally face what makes you anxious or afraid, learning to handle it over time. Gradually, the fear loses its power. You desensitize yourself to what was causing so much anxiety.

Applied to perfectionism, one approach is to practice making mistakes. Doing so teaches you that you can survive imperfection, that discomfort doesn’t kill you, and that sometimes, things turn out okay even when they aren’t “perfect.”

How to Practice “Mistake Exposures”

Here are some small steps to try:

  • Send an email with a minor typo.
  • Let an assignment be “good enough” instead of endlessly editing it.
  • Share an unfinished draft with a colleague or group member without obsessing over design or details.
  • Try a new activity, knowing you might look silly.
  • Create something imperfect.

Click here for a more extensive list

Each time, notice what happens. Are people mad? Probably not. Does your anxiety spike? Maybe. But you’ll learn you can cope. Over time, the anxiety lessens, and you grow confidence. A great mantra for anxiety is “I can handle this.”

What Research Tells Us

Recent studies show that intentional failure helps reduce the fear of mistakes. In one experiment, perfectionistic participants intentionally made errors (e.g., spelling mistakes, messing up tasks) so they could get used to being imperfect. Over time, they reported fewer fears, less avoidance, and less distress when things didn’t go “just right.” (Psychology Today)

Putting It Into Practice (Tips)

  • Start small. Begin with low-stakes mistakes — don’t jump straight to sending a public presentation with glaring errors.
  • Plan exposures. Decide beforehand what you’ll allow yourself to mess up and how you’ll handle the discomfort.
  • Practice self-compassion. Whether the mistake is intentional or accidental, treat yourself kindly. You’re doing valuable work.
  • Reflect. After an exposure, write or think: What did I feel? What was worse than I imagined? What was better? What did I learn?

Final Thoughts

Perfectionism isn’t just a drive for excellence — it keeps you trapped from living the life you want. Making mistakes on purpose is your way out. It’s a way to reclaim your power, to see yourself as human, capable, and resilient. You deserve to live a life where “good enough” doesn’t feel like failure — it feels like freedom.

If you’re feeling “not good enough” or find yourself obsessing over how others perceive you, I can help. I have openings for new clients and would love to support you on this journey. Feel free to hit the Contact button to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.

Filed Under: anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy, coping skills, perfectionism, Self Awareness, self-esteem, teens, Therapy, Thoughts Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Making Peace with the Unknown: How to Handle Life’s Uncertainty

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Why Uncertainty Feels Hard

Uncertainty is one of the hardest things for our brains to handle. We crave control, clear answers, and knowing what’s coming next. When life feels unpredictable — whether it’s waiting for test results, navigating a new job, or figuring out a relationship — our minds can go into overdrive, trying to solve a puzzle with missing pieces.

But here’s the truth: life is full of uncertainty. Learning to tolerate it — not just push through it, but actually live well with it — is one of the most powerful skills you can build.

Why Our Brains Struggle with the Unknown

Our brains are prediction machines, wired to scan for danger and make plans. This survival mechanism was helpful in the past, but in today’s world, it often leads to unnecessary anxiety.

Lack of control triggers anxiety. We think that if we can just plan well enough, we can prevent bad things from happening. This false belief can intensify distress, especially when things go wrong despite our best efforts.

We exhaust ourselves trying to “figure it out.” Overthinking, Googling obsessively, ruminating, and seeking reassurance are all ways we try to avoid the discomfort of not knowing.

The Cost of Avoiding Uncertainty

Avoiding uncertainty comes at a price. Constantly checking emails, texts, and social media may feel soothing temporarily, but it actually ramps up anxiety over time. Overthinking and over-researching can lead to analysis paralysis, keeping us stuck and preventing action.

Trying to control the future is like running through a maze with no exit — because there’s no way to know anything for certain. The more we chase certainty, the more trapped and exhausted we feel.

Practical Strategies for Tolerating Uncertainty

1. Name It
Say to yourself, “I do not know what comes next. I am dealing with uncertainty.” Naming it helps your brain step back and observe rather than react. Most of life is uncertain — yet every day, you manage to get through it.

2. Shift Your Focus to the Present
When the outcome is beyond your control, focus on what is within your control today. One small, grounding action — a walk, a breathing exercise, or tidying a space — can keep you anchored in the present.

3. Practice “Uncertainty Exposures”
Like with perfectionism, you can build tolerance by practicing uncertainty in safe ways:

  • Go to a new restaurant without checking the menu first.
  • Send an email with a small typo.
  • Let a text sit unanswered for an hour.
  • Resist checking tracking info for an order.

Each time you do this, you learn that discomfort doesn’t last forever — and the worst-case scenario rarely happens.

4. Journal & Reality-Check Your Thoughts
Do a quick brain dump of anxious or racing thoughts. Then ask yourself:

  • “What am I telling myself right now?”
  • “Is that really true?”

Your feelings are always valid, but your thoughts aren’t always facts. This practice helps you identify which thoughts are helpful and which you can let go of.

5. Practice Self-Compassion
Remind yourself: It’s normal to feel anxious about uncertainty. Everyone struggles with it at times. Feeling anxious doesn’t mean you’re weak — it means you’re human.

Reframing Uncertainty

Uncertainty doesn’t always mean something bad is coming — it simply means the future is still unwritten. “Anything could happen” is a neutral statement, open to multiple possibilities.

Sometimes what you fear turns out better than you imagined. If you always knew the outcome, life would be pretty predictable — maybe even boring. Resilience grows when we face what we can’t control and still move forward.

Moving Forward

Uncertainty may never feel completely comfortable, but it can become tolerable — and even become a place where growth happens. Each time you choose to sit with not knowing, you build strength, patience, and courage. Over time, uncertainty transforms from a threat into an open door, inviting you to step forward with confidence.

Filed Under: anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy, coping skills, mental health, Mindfulness, perfectionism, Self Awareness, Therapy Tagged With: , , , , , ,

4 Ways to Break Free from the Cycle of Perfectionism

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The Perfectionism Trap

You see it everywhere — on your Insta feed, in group chats, in the way people talk about their endless to-do lists and self-improvement goals. You’re told to eat cleaner, work harder, travel more, work out more, glow up, and somehow have the time and energy to have fun. And honestly? It’s exhausting.

Perfectionism tricks you into thinking that if you just hit the next goal — lose 10 pounds, pick the perfect career, and keep your skincare routine flawless — then you’ll finally feel okay. But is this actually making you happy, or just making you tired?

What Perfectionism Does to You

Living in “must be perfect” mode doesn’t just push you to work harder — it can wear you down. You might notice:

  • Beating yourself up for tiny mistakes.
  • Trouble relaxing because there’s always “more” you should be doing.
  • Comparing yourself to everyone else’s highlight reel and feeling behind.
  • Pushing yourself until you burn out — then blaming yourself for being tired.

Perfectionism can feel productive, but it’s often fueled by fear — fear of failing, fear of not measuring up, or fear of being “too much” or “not enough.” According to an article in Psychology Today, “Maladaptive perfectionism is often driven by fear of failure, feelings of unworthiness, low self-esteem, and adverse childhood experiences.”

How to Break the Cycle

The good news? Perfectionism doesn’t have to run your life. You can have big goals and show yourself some grace along the way.

Here are four practical tools to help you step out of the perfectionism trap:

1. Ground Yourself

Stop. Put your phone down. Take one deep, slow breath. Give yourself five seconds and just pause.

This is your reset button — a chance to step off autopilot and decide what actually matters right now. In this moment, remind yourself: you are safe. Nothing is on fire.

2. Ask What YOU Want

Perfectionism is sneaky — it makes you chase what you think you’re supposed to want. Pause and ask:

  • “Is this really for me, or because I think I should?”
  • “What do I actually want for my life right now?”

Then act on it. Add in the things that bring you joy, even if they feel “cringe” or unconventional. Your life doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s to be meaningful.

3. Journal & Reality-Check Your Thoughts

When your mind feels noisy, try a quick brain dump: write down every anxious, judgmental, or racing thought swirling around. Then take a moment to reflect:

  • “What am I telling myself right now?”
  • “Is that really true?”

Your feelings are always valid, but your thoughts aren’t always facts. Writing them out helps you notice which thoughts are helpful and which you can let go of.

4. Practice Making Mistakes

One of the best ways to loosen perfectionism’s grip is to practice making mistakes — on purpose. This is a form of exposure therapy, where we intentionally face the things that trigger us, little by little, to build resilience.

For perfectionism, this might look like:

  • Sending an email with a small typo.
  • Posting a photo on social media that isn’t perfectly curated or facetuned.
  • Submitting an assignment that is “good enough” instead of endlessly revising it.

Each time you do this, you teach your brain that imperfection is survivable — and often, not nearly as catastrophic as it feels in the moment.

When to Talk to Someone

If perfectionism is affecting your mental health, relationships, or ability to enjoy life, it may be time to reach out for support.

Therapy can help you understand where this pressure is coming from, quiet negative self-talk, and build tools to live a life that actually feels good — not just one that looks good.

If you are struggling with feeling “not good enough”, please do not hesitate to reach out. You don’t have to do this alone!

Click here if you are ready to get started.

Filed Under: cognitive behavioral therapy, coping skills, mental health, perfectionism, Self Awareness, self-esteem, social media, teens, Therapy Tagged With: , , , , ,

Make More Time For Yourself

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There is a lot of discussion about self-care these days. It seems everyone is preaching it from healthcare professionals to celebrities. So why is taking care of ourselves- our bodies and our mental health so tricky?

As someone who has been working in the mental health field for almost 13 years, I have seen a lot of pseudo-psychology fads. One thing has always remained pivotal to good mental health, and that is making sure you take care of your body and mind. And what does that even mean? 

What qualifies as Self-care?

  • Eight to ten hours of sleep, and not pretending like sleep is a luxury. Sleep is a basic need. 
  • Spending quality time with people who are supportive of you and setting boundaries with those people in your life who drain your energy. 
  • Hydrating and incorporating movement into your daily routine. 
  • Checking in with your Dr. and taking your medication as prescribed. 
  • Having downtime— like the time you don’t have anything scheduled and want to chill. 

That seems simple enough, right? Well then, why is it so hard? 

All the noise. We live in a world with endless distractions, and we don’t make taking care of ourselves a priority. 

Whether you want to believe it or not, you are constantly inundated with information that is shaping the way you think. It sounds like something out of a sci-fi movie–robots putting thoughts in our heads, but this is our reality. Your smartphone also knows how to keep your attention–your most precious commodity! Whatever we focus our attention on then becomes the priority. So when you see Kylie Jenner’s new makeup palette pop up on your Insta feed for the 3rd time. Maybe you cave this time. Perhaps you start scrolling through Kylie’s page and wondering why you don’t have hair like that. Then an hour goes by, and you’ve bought a lip gloss and come up with four things you need to fix about your physical appearance. 

Another note about social media. We see our “friends” posting the highlights from their life—usually not the boring parts. So when you see Karen posting about her new dream job or Susie getting into the college of her dreams, there is a natural drive to feel like we are not doing enough. We see others posting more, doing more, and achieving more in their lives. So we compare. We set goals, we get ideas, and we schedule activities. All these things to fill a void. Thinking that somehow our self worth will increase if we can make our lives look a certain way. So we end up tired and overbooked. And who has time for 8 hours of sleep? 

That brings us to the next reason we slack on self-care, false beliefs. The number one thing I hear from clients when I suggest scheduling a yoga class or push for an extra two hours of sleep is “I don’t have time.” The truth is, you make time for what is essential. We all prioritize what we think is most important. If you think getting an A on an exam is the priority, then you will sacrifice sleep. More responses I often hear are, “I don’t deserve it,” “I don’t deserve to take a break,” “I am getting a C in math,” “I am not in my dream career,” “Other people work harder than me.” 

Here are some tips to improve your self-care routine today!

  1. Sleep hygiene- go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every day. Make sure that the schedule allows for 8-10 hours of SLEEP. If you have trouble with sleep, try to resist that second cup of coffee midday. I wrote more about sleep tips in a previous blog: Get more sleep. 
  2. Schedule face to face time with a supportive friend once a week. You might feel like you know what your friends are up to because you see their posts online, but that is not the same as having an honest face to face conversation with another human being. We are wired for connection. Research has proven that loneliness is a risk factor for depression, suicide, cardiovascular disease, immune system problems, substance abuse, and cognitive issues.
  3. Schedule no internet time during the day. You could choose to give yourself an hour or two after school or work to do something else that does not involve looking at your device.  
  4. Commit yourself to move your body more. The movement could be stretching each morning or taking the stairs when you have the option. You could dance to your favorite songs in the morning before you leave the house. By the way, this has nothing to do with weight loss. Healthy movement is about giving love to your body and connecting with what is going on inside. 
  5. Schedule your chill time. Rest is important! We are so overbooked. I talk to people who are so busy they claim they have no time to relax. The truth is, it’s just not seen as a priority. So make it one. Schedule it like you would anything else. 

For more info on self-care, check out the resources below.

What self-care is and what it isn’t

Understanding Sleep 

Rich Roll podcast with Rangan Chatterjee

Health science of Social Connection

Loneliness rivals smoking as a health risk

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Anxiety Explained

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Why am I feeling anxious?

Anxiety is quite the buzzword these days. It seems like every teen I meet has struggled with some form of anxiety, whether it is social anxiety, stress related to academics or a general sense of dread about the future. The truth is we all have anxiety. Our bodies are equipped with an alarm system that lets us know which situations are safe and which ones could be dangerous. When this alarm system is overactive, our bodies respond to benign situations as if they are dangerous. An example could be experiencing extreme fear when having to give a presentation. When someone’s anxiety interferes with daily life or is extremely out of proportion to actual threats then an individual may be diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder. 

In her latest book, Under Pressure, Dr. Lisa D’Amour sheds light on how anxiety can actually serve as an ally. Despite the common discussion, anxiety is not all bad. Anxiety is a warning sign, letting you know that something is off or there is something you need to pay attention to in your current environment. For example, your anxiety may be triggered when you are walking home alone at night in an unfamiliar area. In this example, the fear that is activated is actually helpful because it alerts you to the fact that your current circumstances could become unsafe. Other times it may be more subtle. You may feel anxious if you have been procrastinating on a school paper that is due in the next few days. Here your anxiety is working as “a protector”, helping you avoid the potential consequences of not turning in your work on time.

Here is what happens to your body when the alarm response is triggered.

When the brain interprets a situation as threatening, stress hormones are released triggering the body’s fight/flight/freeze response. The sympathetic nervous symptom is now activated. You may notice increased heart rate, sweating, shortness of breath, and/or digestive issues. Emotionally you may feel nervous, irritable or a sense of impending doom. Your mind will scan your environment for threats and logical thinking goes out the window.

“Anxiety overestimates how bad something is going to be and underestimates our ability to deal with it”. -Dr. Lisa Damour

Here are a few things to consider:

Anxiety can affect one’s thoughts, physiology, and behavior. Not paying attention to your basic biological needs can often be a culprit for anxiety symptoms. Feeling hungry or tired can make your alarm system more susceptive to become activated in unnecessary situations. Additionally, believing that you have little or no control over your circumstances can also contribute to worsening anxiety symptoms. Finally, not having adequate emotional support can certainly make anxiety worse.

So what can you do when you feel anxious?

  1.  Ask yourself: Is there something here I need to pay attention to? Sometimes mild anxiety can alert you to the behavior you may want to change. Did you just say something that you might regret? Are you putting off a project that you should’ve started last week? Often recognizing and remedying behavior can be enough to calm the nervous system. 
  2. Try grounding yourself. The 5,4,3,2,1 Game helps you interrupt the anxiety loop. Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste to bring yourself back to the present. Another helpful grounding tool is 3 S’s. Recognize the Surface you are sitting or standing on, notice physical Sensations like the temperature of the air touching your skin, and finally notice all the Sounds around you at this moment.
  3. Deep breathing is an excellent way to activate the Parasympathetic nervous system which triggers the body’s relaxation response. When your breathing is slow and deliberate, your brain gets the signal that you are safe. Try these helpful breathing techniques: Square breathing Diaphragmatic breathing.
  4. Recognize just like any other feeling, this too shall pass. All your feelings come and go. You have never had one feeling that lasted forever. It may be extremely uncomfortable but if you can ride it out, you will see that you are capable of handling this emotion.
  5. Make sure you have a support team to reach out to, whether it is a friend, parent or counselor. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be a helpful treatment for those suffering from anxiety disorders. Group therapy can also be a great place to share openly with people struggling with similar issues.

Finally, remember you will have to practice these techniques over and over to rewire your brain’s response. The more you practice, the more you train your brain to respond to situations in a new way.  Be sure to reach out to your healthcare provider if you have noticed worsening anxiety symptoms.

Further reading:

Under Pressure by Lisa Damour

Mayo Clinic

NIMH

Filed Under: cognitive behavioral therapy, mental health, Mind Body Connection, Mindfulness, Self Awareness, teens, Therapy, Thoughts, Uncategorized

5 ways to survive the end of the school year

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How to survive the end of the school year | Therapy & Mindfulness Blog by Meghan Renzi | Teen Girls Therapy in Kensington, Maryland 20814

5 ways to survive the end of the school year.

The end of the school year can be rough. April and May are typically the busiest months for mental health professionals. Interestingly enough, April is Stress Awareness Month and May is Mental Health Awareness Month! For many of the teens and college students who I work with, the end of the school year is a particularly stressful time—deadlines, a pressure to complete assignments that were put off and studying for finals. Maybe you are starting a new school in the fall or going away to college. The awareness that these transitions are approaching can also contribute to anxiety during the last few months of school…  And don’t disregard the fact that you have been in school for almost 9 months now and you are probably exhausted!

So how do you finish this marathon without burning out?

Here are 5 helpful tools:

  1. Keep things in perspective. Stressful situations are easier for most people when there is an endpoint in sight. Remember that you are nearing the end of the school year and the barrage of academic demands will end shortly. If you find yourself overwhelmed, it might be helpful to lower the expectations you are placing on yourself. Focus on getting your work done. Remember it does not have to be perfect.  Education, whether it is high school, college or grad school is a place for you to learn. It is okay to not have all the answers and make mistakes. If you knew everything 100% you wouldn’t need to be in school! Do the best you can with what is in front of you.
  2. Practice grounding. When anxiety takes over your brain, it can be extremely difficult to think rationally. Panic symptoms can cause you to go into fight or flight mode, which is not using your higher level thinking. So how do you get your logical brain back onboard? Hit the pause and let yourself just be. Feel your feet on the ground. Notice your surroundings. The 5,4,3, 2,1 game can be a great way to bring yourself back to the here and now. Scan your current environment for 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, listen for 3 things you can hear, find 2 things to smell and 1 thing to taste. This grounding exercise can be a quick way to bring you back to the present moment. 
  3. Let yourself feel your feelings. It is okay to feel angry, “over it”, tired, disappointed or sad. Whatever you are feeling, allow yourself to feel it. Feelings are feelings, they are not good or bad and there is no reason to suppress how you are feeling. Let yourself Ride the wave, in other words, let yourself surf the intense emotion rather than trying to change it. Remember, no emotion is permanent, allow yourself to experience what you are feeling in the moment without judgment.
  4. Schedule activities to look forward to. I think by now most people are aware that positive incentives can increase motivation. Whether or not your grades are where you want them to be, you worked hard this year, so give yourself a reward. Examples of rewards could be getting a massage or pedicure, planning a dinner date with some friends or taking a weekend trip that you’ve been putting off.
  5. Join a group. Having some accountability can be super helpful if you are struggling to stay motivated during these last few weeks of school. Being with peers can also provide a safe place to vent about what is bothering you and see that you are not alone. Group members can often provide helpful solutions, sharing what has worked for them. Group therapy can also be a great place to share your feelings in a safe supportive setting, without the threat of judgment.

It can be so hard to keep the momentum going at this juncture. Give yourself a break, let yourself feel, be where you are and talk it out. There is a light at the end of this tunnel!

Feel free to post any other tips you have for surviving the end of the school year.

Teen girls- contact me if you are interested in joining a therapy group this summer.

Further reading:

May is Mental Health Awareness Month

Motivation Makeover

Ride the Wave

5 Ways Group Can Change Teen’s Life

Filed Under: Beliefs, cognitive behavioral therapy, coping skills, group, group therapy, mental health, Mindfulness, teenagers, Therapy, Thoughts

6 Ways to Improve your Daughter’s Self-Esteem

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Negative Self-Talk

You hear your daughter complain about her body, comparing herself to peers. You hear your little girl using words like“fat” and “ugly” to describe herself. It can be heartbreaking for any parent.

It is not uncommon for girls to develop an overly critical voice around the tween years (and often even younger). Being a teen girl in today’s world has its challenges. With social media at our fingertips, we are constantly bombarded with images of what the ideal woman looks like. These unrealistic images can set up vulnerable teen girls for the comparison trap. Viewing doctored photos of stick-thin models, seeing friends post the “highlight reel” of their average teenage life can feed the all-too-common attitude of I am not enough. 

Adolescent Development

During adolescence, the brain and body experience changes that are arguably more remarkable than those of any other developmental stage. You may notice obvious physical changes with your daughter, shifts in your relationship and often switching peer groups. These adjustments can contribute to increased feelings of insecurity for your daughter. Now is the time for parents to quell the urge to impose their worldviews on the teenager and instead give them the space to develop their own ideas and have new experiences. Arguments and emotional outbursts may become common occurrences. For many parents, raising a teen can feel like a rollercoaster.

So what is in your control?

Here are a few things you can do as a parent to improve your daughter’s self-esteem

1. Highlight her strengths. Does your daughter make you laugh? Does she take initiative on certain tasks? Is she a creative problem solver? Let her know that you notice these traits. You can even help your daughter reframe certain characteristics that were once viewed as insults. For example “weird” becomes “unique” or “bossy” becomes “leadership material” and “slow” becomes “thoughtful”. Bringing to light inner personality traits is super important right now, especially when society places such an emphasis on physical characteristics.

2. Validate her feelings. Growing up can be hard! Relationships end, friends move away, rejection happens. It is imperative that your daughter knows that feelings are just feelings. It is okay to feel angry when your best friend ditches you. Instead of saying “there is no reason to be upset”, try “I can see that you are angry right now and it makes sense to be angry in this situation”. Remember validating does not mean you are feeding the negativity but rather showing that it is okay to accept an emotion and let it pass. “Having their feelings validated ­gives teens the encouragement they need to feel accepted, admit defeat and re-adjust” (Koffler).

3. Model body acceptance. Avoid beating yourself up in front of your daughter. Speaking about your own body in a negative way models body hate for your girl. Outwardly obsessing about your own appearance only reinforces the message that the external is what’s important. Another dangerous thought pattern to avoid is black and white thinking related to food. Statements like “I’m so bad for eating this pizza” or “I am too fat for dessert” can contribute to your daughter developing an unhealthy attitude around food and her own body. 

4. Give positive feedback for hard work. Most people respond to positive reinforcement. Give your girl credit for her effort even if it doesn’t result in an “accomplishment”. For example- you may notice her studying hard for a test. Even if she gets a C, it is important to give her positive feedback for the effort she put in. Applaud her for taking action, even if the outcome was not what she was hoping for. “If we can teach our teens to be curious and refrain from viewing experiences through a binary lens of black or white, good or bad, success or failure, they’ll begin to explore everyday experiences more fully” (Koffler).

5. Acknowledge assertiveness. Assertiveness means being confident without being aggressive. Assertive communication involves stating your own needs while respecting someone else’s point of view. At home, your daughter may label her feelings (“I am angry”) and tell you she needs to go to her room and cool off, rather than storming out of the house. These behaviors are healthy and should be reinforced with positive feedback. Encourage your daughter to stand up for herself and others. If you hear about your daughter challenging an injustice, make a point to acknowledge her courage.

6. Keep “mistakes” in perspective. Reframing mistakes can be super important for teen girls, who are often self-critical. The truth is everyone makes mistakes! Mistakes are how we grow and learn. As a teenager, the ability to make mistakes and learn from them is crucial to the launching process. Avoid “cushioning” your kid. Let them make their own mistakes. “Growth-minded individuals perceive task setbacks as a necessary part of the learning process and they “bounce back” by increasing their motivational effort”. Share your own hiccups with your daughter. Rather than shaming her or saying “I told you so”, ask her what she learned or what she would have done differently.

Remember that this is a challenging time for the parent and the child. Be gentle with yourself. It can take a lot of patience and practice to implement a new mindset around mistakes, body image, and feelings. It is totally okay to let your daughter see your vulnerability by telling her that you are learning too!

If you need extra support and are in the Washington DC area, please feel to message me through my contact page. My practice offers complimentary phone consultations for new clients.

Further Reading

“The Curse of the Good Girl,” by Rachel Simmons

“Brainstorm” by Dan Siegel

The Neuroscience of Growth Mindset and Intrinsic Motivation from NIH

Three Tips for Raising Resilient Teens by Theo Koffler

Filed Under: body image, Mindfulness, parenting, parents, self-esteem, teens, Thoughts

5 Ways Group Can Change Your Teen’s Life

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Wouldn’t it be wonderful if your teen had deeper social connections? And I don’t mean over social media. I mean real face to face human contact! Technology is amazing. In many ways, we are more “connected” than ever. We can keep in touch with friends we haven’t seen in years and we can chat with people across the globe. Even some Therapists are moving to an online platform for providing services. It makes one wonder what implications these innovations have for human connection.

Why are more and more people reporting a deep sense of loneliness? 

We are living in a time where you have the option to be more socially isolated. Now think about your teen. It can be way more comfortable (and accessible) to make connections online than in person. So chances are a good percentage of what your child digests about the world and other people is from social media. Your daughter looks at her friends’ Snapchat stories and sees peers posting seemingly perfect avatars. She sees her Instagram feed showing airbrushed models and friends displaying a filtered version of an average, awkward teenage existence.

So how do you convince your kid that what she sees online is not always reality? How do you help your girl to see that she is not alone— that there are other girls who are going through almost the exact same thing? Afterall, there are not a lot of teens modeling failure or vulnerability on Instagram.

Your teen needs true social connection.

It may sound obvious but lack of face to face connection can lead to increased feelings of loneliness, especially among the adolescent population. Adolescents are in a stage of development where peer acceptance becomes especially important. The need to feel a part of the group can cause some teens to go against their own values in order to be accepted. Feeling alone and isolated can be incredibly painful during the teenage years. Has your daughter ever said “No one understands me”, “I will never fit in”, or “No one else at my school has to deal with this”? More often than not, we tend to view our own problems as unique.

Social Connection improves your overall health.

Research shows that social connection is the number one indicator of good mental health. “Dozens of studies have shown that people who have satisfying relationships with family, friends, and their community are happier, have fewer health problems, and live longer. Conversely, a relative lack of social ties is associated with depression and later-life cognitive decline, as well as with increased mortality” (Harvard Health Publications, 2010). Positive social connections refer to quality relationships—  people you can be real with, people who support you and accept you just as you are. Positive social connections are an integral part of psychological wellness at all stages of life. Why? Because human beings are social creatures. Historically, being connected has been a huge part of our survival. 

The magic happens when the mask comes off. 

Group therapy can be a great place to start making these social connections. The group is an amazing treatment modality. Participants can build healthy connections with peers and have a safe place to share what is really going on. When members are honest, they find that they actually relate to one another on a deeper level.

Here are 5 benefits of group therapy:

  1. Groups help build a social connection.

     As stated earlier, having satisfying relationships is an integral part of mental health. Group therapy can bring people together with similar issues and thus “relating in” can happen pretty quickly. With the help of a facilitator, group members can share struggles, listen and oftentimes explore solutions. Being in a group setting will also help your daughter enhance her social skills, which can mean being a better friend, partner, and teammate.  

  2. Group fosters a sense of belonging. 

    It may not be easy for your teen to let her guard down in her everyday life but in a group, opening up about what is bothering you is encouraged. Vulnerability is where connection happens. Vulnerability means letting the real you shine through.  It is about belonging, not fitting in. Brene Brown discusses the difference between fitting in and belonging in her book, the Gifts of Imperfection. Brown states “Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming what you need to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are, it requires us to be who we are”. 

  3. Your teen has a chance to give back and feel useful.

     Group can give your child a unique opportunity to give and get support. Group members can be a sounding board for your teen. Often, members who are further along in the group process can offer different perspectives. What’s more, research shows that giving back in a way that feels useful, like offering support to another group members, can do wonders for one’s self-esteem.

  4. Your teen can get extra support and accountability.

    I have heard this from almost every parent I work with— “She doesn’t listen to me, I guess she needs to hear it from someone else”. The reality is that your teen is more likely to be open with peers rather than adults. Group members hold one another accountable and will call each other out. Peer pressure can work in a positive way in a group setting where peers share similar goals. It is also so helpful for teens to get validation and support from peers.

  5. She may feel better faster.

    Being a part of a community and having a sense of belonging can have remarkable healing effects. Group therapy has often been compared to having a mirror held up. Being among peers struggling with similar issues can give your teen a place where she can “see herself” and with that see opportunities for growth and change. As a result, suffering can be reduced in less time. 

Does Group replace individual therapy?

Group does not have to replace individual therapy. Many find that group is a helpful supplement to individual therapy. In addition, the group can be a place to practice some skills from individual therapy. From an economic perspective, a group can be less expensive than individual therapy and, for many mental health issues, just as effective as individual therapy. Many find that group therapy is all they need to start getting relief.

Where do I find a group for my teen?

Ask a mental health professional like your child’s therapist or psychiatrist. Many therapy practices offer group therapy, including my own. Often getting a personal recommendation from someone you trust can be best. You can also ask your child’s pediatrician or school counselor. Obviously, there is a wealth of information online. Psychology today is a great resource. You can search for local group therapy resources.

So maybe your daughter is scared to join a group. The fear of being judged can be paralyzing. The good news is your daughter is probably already in some kind of group, whether it is a sports team, club or even a class. Encourage your daughter to get out of her comfort zone. Share with her some of the health benefits of positive social connections. Remember— If nothing changes, nothing changes. Group therapy can be a powerful container for change.

Further reading

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

“Social Relationships and Health” National Institutes of Health 

“Power in Numbers” The American Psychological Association

“Can Relationships Boost Longevity and Well-being?” Harvard Health Publishing

“The Importance of Being Social” Scientific American 

 

Filed Under: group, mental health, Mind Body Connection, parenting, self-esteem, social media, teenagers, teens, Therapy

We can’t stay silent on the topic of teen suicide. What parents and teens can do.

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Over the past few weeks, our community has been rocked by 2 teen suicides. Both teens were students at prominent Kensington High Schools. These tragedies are becoming all too common. We hear about it on the news and over social media. According to Mary Anderson, spokeswoman for the Montgomery County Department of Health and Human Services, there have been 5 teen suicides in Montgomery County this year.

There is certainly speculation about the correlation between social media and the rise in child and teen suicides in this country. Cyberbullying, a relatively new phenomenon, has become a major source of stress for today’s teen. There is pressure to present a certain image to the outside world, while what is going on inside often remains hidden.  In the Washington DC area, in particular, there is an inordinate amount of value placed on achievement. According to a 2017 article in Forbes magazine, Washington DC is the 2nd most educated city in the United States. The comparison trap is a dangerous one. For emotionally fragile teens, the pressure to succeed is magnified. While we may not be able to change the culture, we can certainly change our attitude towards it. 

Facts about Teen Suicide:

  • Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the world for those aged 15-24 years.
  • Teens are more likely to tell a peer, rather than an adult if they are having thoughts of suicide.
  • Only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment (NAMI).
  • There is one death by suicide in the US every 12 minutes (CDC).
  • “Among teenagers, suicide attempts may be associated with feelings of stress, self-doubt, the pressure to succeed, financial uncertainty, disappointment, and loss. For some teens, suicide may appear to be a solution to their problems” (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry).

What parents can do:

  1. Talk to your kids. Parents need to talk about this. Of course, it is uncomfortable to talk about suicide. Many parents worry that bringing up the topic of suicide will ignite those ideations in their child. However, just like sex and drugs, teen suicide is a reality in the world today. Let your child know that they can come to you with anything. Ask open-ended questions. Let them know how you are feeling. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Having an open conversation about suicide will help your child feel more comfortable coming to you for help.
  2. Watch for warning signs. It is so important for parents to know what to watch for when it comes to suicide risk factors. Withdrawal from peers, hopelessness, loss of interest, a decline in hygiene, use of drugs and alcohol as a means to escape, hypersomnia or lack of sleep, and loss of appetite are just some of the warning signs. In addition, you may notice personality changes and increased feelings of apathy (for example– a “who cares” or “nothing matters” attitude).
  3. Ask for help. Talk to your child’s pediatrician, go to a mental health professional for guidance or join a parent support group. You don’t have to do it alone. When your child has a physical ailment, you take them to the doctor. You aren’t expected to fix a medical problem on your own. The same goes for psychiatric issues. If you are worried about your child’s mental health, professional help is a must. While it may look like something that is in your child’s control, it is not. There is a common misconception that people with depression and thoughts of suicide can simply snap out of it.

What teens can do:

  1. Talk about your own experience and break the silence. We live in a world where so much of our private lives have been made public. However, there are still certain things that we tend to keep to ourselves. Most of us have been programmed to feel shame when it comes to mental health issues. What if we felt open to share how we actually felt? What if you shared that you go to therapy, experience anxiety or are having issues with depression? You don’t have to feed into the stigma. Mental health issues are a reality.
  2. Don’t add to the problem, be a part of the solution. If you see something, say something– whether it is bullying over social media or noticing warning signs of depression in a friend. If you know someone who is suffering, offer support and tell a trusted adult, like a parent or guidance counselor. Staying silent only feeds into the problem.
  3. Join a group or start a group.
    Groups can be a great place to open up and share what is really going on in a safe supportive environment. Whether it is a peer-led self-help group or a group run by a therapist or counselor, hearing other people’s stories can help you to see that you are not in this alone. A group setting can provide a place for you to “relate in” and learn how others were able to manage similar issues.

Remember if you or a friend are having thoughts of suicide, tell someone you trust. You are not alone, even though it feels like it. Asking for help takes courage but there is support available if you need it.

Resources

Facts About Suicide

References

Filed Under: cognitive behavioral therapy, coping skills, group, mental health, Mindfulness, parenting, parents, self harm, self-esteem, social media, suicide, teenagers, teens, Therapy, Thoughts